Enough, Donald! Stop! The racism, sexism, rampant narcissism, the calls for violence were all a bit naughty, yes, but this – this image takes the biscuit. It takes the biscuit and it pins it to a paper plate with the prongs of a fork, and then it saws the biscuit in two with a kni-Stop! Enough!
What kind of madman – what kind of abominable lizard in an orange human skin suit, a Sunny Delight scare story incarnate – would eat a biscuit with a knife and fork? The same madman who was last night pictured eating a bucket of KFC with a knife and fork, that’s who.
Look closely. There is of course much we can learn from this image.
First up: Trump is a masterful illusionist. My hypothesis about this picture is that he knows he is courting ridicule by eating KFC with a knife and fork like some kind of savage. Yet he does it all the same. And I would like therefore to advance the theory that he is, in fact, holding tiny, tiny cutlery in an attempt to make his tiny, tiny hands look bigger.
This is why the plate is made of paper because an enormous china plate is harder to source at short notice. And besides, Trump hates China. Terrible country. Bad country. Would I buy stuff off it? I wouldn’t even eat off it. Sad!
And this is why, if you look closely, there are two pots of KFC gunk (gravy? Chocolate sauce? Who knows?) on the table. This is where Trump has given the game away because one is half the size of the other. What are we to conclude but that the large one is a real pot of KFC gravy, and the small one is a bespoke, scaled-down potlet, designed by the boffins of Trump Towers to make their leader’s hands look by comparison a little bigger?
Next, look at the salt and pepper shakers. Tiny.
Now there are some who will argue that if all this is true, that if this is an exercise to make his hands look bigger, Trump could have just used a very small piece of fried chicken. A fried chick, perhaps. But this would violate his easily-roused sense of disgust at touching things.
Notoriously reluctant to shake hands, Trump is so concerned by germ transmission that he has advocated bowing as a new standard greeting and will always avoid pressing the button in a lift if he can get away with it.
As any KFC connoisseur will tell you, chicken on the bone is susceptible to greasiness, and Trump knows it. Why else would he have stacked two paper plates on top of each other? He doesn’t want the desk of his private plane to be sullied with the grease, just as he doesn’t want it all over his minuscule fingers. Though given their small surface area, they wouldn’t take long to wash.
Trump will touch neither man nor chicken because of this well-documented proclivity for disgust, a reaction which studies have linked to the political right. So after all these answers, a question: does Donald Trump touch himself? Best to save that for another time.